I’m a big fan of the TV series House MD ever since it’s pilot episode years ago. What I particularly love about this fictional irreverent doctor is his nasty remarks and rude insults.
And since I have an hour to waste before actually doing real work online, I decided to share with you my precious collection of exasperating House MD quotes that you can apply to daily conversation, particularly against those very sensitive pricks out there. Here we go…
1. Sometimes the best gift is the gift of never seeing you again
Best used against annoying call center agents, nagging ex-girlfriend, and darned loud neighbors
2. I’m too handsome to do paperwork.
Really great if you have any authority in the office. Then again there’s no stopping you from using this against your credit-grabbing and backstabbing co-workers.
3. I don’t have time for laundry. I’m saving lives here.
Simply change “laundry” to whatever it is you’re doing – watching lewd movies or updating your status on Facebook.
4. Like I always say, there’s no “I” in “team”. There is a “me”, though, if you jumble it up.
There are so many uses of this House MD quote – team building, project team meetings, basketball game, etc.
5. Life sucks. Your life sucks more than most. It’s not as bad as some, which is depressing all by itself.
Use this for people who love to ask your advice but don’t actually listen. They are wasting your time so it’s time to get even!
6. I’ve been alienating people since I was three.
For that ugly fag who wants to befriend you…
7. Are you … comparing me to God? I mean, that’s great, but just so you know, I’ve never made a tree.
A comeback for people accusing you of being a real jerk, which of course you are.
8. I don’t know how to have casual conversation. You think you’re talking about one thing, and either you are and it’s incredibly boring, or you’re not because it’s subtext and you need a decoder ring.
A sophisticated way to end a very boring date.
9. And humility is an important quality. Especially if you’re wrong a lot…. Of course, when you’re right, self-doubt doesn’t help anybody, does it?
For those stupid f*ck who keep doing the same mistakes again and again.
10. Religion is a symptom of irrational belief and groundless hope.
Something you can use for those religious fanatics who are desperate to convert you…
11. I’m not deflecting because I’m avoiding something deep. I’m deflecting because I’m avoiding something shallow.
An excuse to end an uninteresting conversation in a not so polite way
12. Isn’t it interesting… religious behavior is so close to being crazy that we can’t tell them apart.
Another anti-religious thing you can say if you’re quite bored with normal conversations. Sort of an ice breaker when in church..
13. Good thing you failed to become a mom because you suck at it!
Need I say more???
14. Can we forget my vices and get back to my virtues.
Quite handy during annual performance evaluation with your boss
15. If you’re considering grabbing my ass, don’t start anything you can’t finish.
A very unusual flirting technique with your co-worker. Use in moderation for it might be a ground for sexual harassment lawsuit…
Here’s a bonus…